Thanksgiving, Aging, and Acceptance

Thanksgiving looks different for each person, depending on your age bracket.  In college, Thanksgiving was a chance to get some great food, see old friends and catch up on some rest before heading back to school for finals. Then eventually it turns into bringing home the future spouse. That then turns into bringing home grandchildren. Until one day, you hit your mid 40's and coming home starts to look very different.  

Tonight maybe you find yourself laying in bed at your parent(s) home and you realize that this is the last time you will be celebrating Thanksgiving in that house. Or maybe you find yourself sleeping in an area hotel, trying to psych yourself up for the hotel buffet because mom and dad just can't put Thanksgiving together anymore.  And sadly, maybe you find yourself in a hospital waiting room, not even giving the holiday a second thought. And the only turkey you will be eating will be in the sandwich from the vending machine down the hall.  

All of these scenarios are demanding emotionally.  We're already reflecting on our own life's successes or failures. And now there is the new challenge of facing your parents mortality.  Then, if you have children, ensuring all of their needs are met.  And that can be complex. You want your kids to have great memories (social media can raise the bar and push you towards idyllic memories).  Yet, you need to also prepare them for what is coming.  Now none of this calculates in  the demands of your career, home, and any other extra curriculars.  

This all hits at a time when being "present" is very en vogue. Yet between the myriad of questions, emotions, concerns, and responsibilities it is so hard to be fully present.  So now what we have done is plopped a pile of "I can't be present" shame on top of it all.  We run through our mind each items that is being overlooked in our life.  As each finds it place on our list the shame grows deeper and deeper. 

My advice, forgive yourself and get over it.  And I am speaking from experience. This time last year I was preparing to cook my mother her final Thanksgiving meal.  I slept in her bed with her. And my mind was swimming because we had just learned that she had months to live and we were 3 weeks out from moving her to NYC to live out her final months with us.  The list of "to do's" was huge.  And the weight of it all was immense.  The only way to survive was to understand some things were just not going to get my full attention.  

Walking through this season will look different for others. Maybe you 'll need to a break from dieting.  On the other hand, maybe some gym time to work out your frustration could be in order.  Consider not attending every volunteer school event.  On the other hand, maybe joining a support group might be constructive.  You need to listen to yourself and adjust accordingly.

Understand, there will be mistakes made.  Something might get missed and neglected  Your career might have to stall for a bit. The kids might not be as academic proficient without your one on one help.  And maybe you find yourself on a first name basis with the delivery people from your four favorite restaurants in the neighborhood.  Who knows maybe you'll even forget to pay your cable and internet bill.  

Tonight, I can tell you with great assurance that you will survive it all.  You see my mother passed away on January 2.  This will be our first Thanksgiving without her.  And while I can confirm some things fell apart, I and my family are still standing.  Sure, I gained some (yes, some) weight.  And yes, my Honors level daughter was demoted to general education classes. But also yes, she will be restored back to the Honors program on Monday.  Slowly parts of our life are being put back together.  

So, tomorrow enjoy every last word your parents speak.  Have them tell their favorite stories again.  Freely, step out of the room when the emotion becomes too much to bear.  Don't push those emotions down.  And embrace the fact that maybe this isn't the picture perfect, must post on social media Thanksgiving that others might be having.  Take a deep breathe and know that at one point or another your parent was standing right where you are today.  And enjoy this Thanksgiving Day.  

CONSIDERATION

If you watch any amount of television these days you will see advertisements for a variety of Netflix series that end with the line "For Your Emmy Consideration."  The words "consider" and "consideration" aren't heard much anymore.  One might argue that it is old or a word of their parents generation.  I must agree while growing up those words were used quite a bit  We were instructed to consider or to be considerate.  But, I don't believe those words have gone the way of "thee" "thou" and "shall."  I believe we don't hear those words because the act of consideration has gone out of practice.

This really struck me a few nights ago as I was re-watching "Mona Lisa Smile."  There is a wonderful scene where Professor Watson (Julia Roberts character) takes her class to an old warehouse for a private audience with a Jackson Pollock painting. Now to those unfamiliar with Jackson Pollock, some refer to his paintings as splotches and mock them insisting their 5 year old could have done the same.  And as you would suspect, Professor Watson's students reacted in much the same way.  Her instruction to them was simple "consider it."  She made it clear they did not have to like it or even write a paper on it - just consider it.  It was in that moment that I realized that we as a society are so quick to conclude that very little consideration is ever given.

Having had the opportunity to view a Pollock myself, I will say it is overwhelming. The size is consuming and the chaotic nature of the paint strokes draws you in. Will you discover some deep personal or spiritual truth - maybe, maybe not.  But, taking the time to consider it is a worthwhile task.  In consideration your mind winds through question after question - why, how, how long did it take, will he do this again?  Walking through all of that your mind gains new knowledge and you are wiser.

The act of consideration though has a more powerful daily application.  We as a people are so very divided and we label people more than ever before  As we scroll our way through Facebook, I am certain there are those you now simply scroll past without even reading.  Those are the people you thought you knew - but now you believe you really know  - and what you know you don't like.  You no longer consider anything they share or post.  Maybe you have even hidden them from your newsfeed.  But, to unfriend them would be so inconsiderate.  Really?  Because you stopped considering them the minute you hid them from your feed.

The sad thing is, our failure to consider removes all ability to learn.  There is a dangerous tendency these days to only consider things that align with what we believe is true and skip over everything else.  This behavior is what lead to the deception of the electorate during the 2016 election.  Sure, we can blame those at the Internet Research Agency for social media disruption.  But, really at the end of the day the blame lies at the fingertips of every single person who liked, shared, forwarded or tweeted something that was inaccurate.  There was a complete failure to consider the source or to consider if it was truthful.  When we engage in promoting things that are false, like it or not we are accountable for it

Growing up my parents encouraged me to put myself in the other persons shoes.  It was one of the most important lessons I ever learned.  It came in handy when I was getting to know my Mother In-law.  One would assume given all that was in her basement that she was a pack rat or even maybe a hoarder.  What I learned was that my mother in law grew up in a country that experienced a large amount of instability - as they were invaded and fought over repeatedly.  She grew up poor in a small village in Cyprus. Holding onto things was not an act of laziness or poor housekeeping.  It was an act of being prepared and being able to take care of your family no matter what.

The absolute lack of compassion you hear from pundits over the current Zero Tolerance Policy - lacks any consideration whatsoever.  These pundits peddle their point of view regardless of new information and new circumstances.  When you can mock crying children and liken the tent city in Tornillo, Texas to sleep away camp - you have lost all credibility.  We must try to understand what these children are feeling.  We must try to understand why a mother would walk hundreds of miles in the heat.  We must begin to question the talking points when so many tried to gain asylum through legitimate ports of entry and were turned away. In order to solve these big problems we need some deep consideration. 

As we live our daily lives consideration of the world around us is a good discipline.  It could be morning and you are in line to get your morning coffee - you are on time - but clearly the person behind you is running late.  Consider letting them go ahead.  You get an e-mail that angers you - take a moment to consider why before responding in a way you might regret.  We must take time to consider to contemplate or we as a society will be forever unsettled.  In the wise words of former President Dwight D. Eisenhower "Though force can protect in emergency, only justice, fairness, consideration and cooperation can finally lead men to the dawn of eternal peace."

Measuring Truth: A Lesson From My Father

In July of 1989 I had my bags packed and was bound for college. I had been accepted to Nyack College, a Christian liberal arts college just outside of New York City.  You would assume a parent would have no reservations or concerns as they sent their child off to a religious school.  But you would be wrong.  My dad (an alum of the college), sent me off with one piece of advice.  He asked me to measure everything I am taught by what I know to be true.  He would repeat that same advice a few months later as I began to search for a church.  My father simply said, just because a preacher says it, doesn't make it true.

Understand, my father (a smart man) was not a deep intellectual nor someone who could be classified as counter-cultural.  My father was genuine and everything about him rang true.  He was sincerely interested in all the people he met.  There was a finesse to how he communicated truth.  Those who knew him, trusted him.  And so it came as no surprise that he would implore me to seek truth and to weigh the lessons of those that would teach me.

This past week I have thought of him often.  Not because it was the run up to Father's Day - but because more scripture was thrown about on cable TV than ever before.  When Jeff Sessions so frivolously invoked Romans 13:1  - with a smile mind you - I could see my dad sitting in his recliner arms crossed in front of him and shuttering.  And even though he would have never been a Stephen Colbert fan, he would have found his approach in considering Roman 13:10 more in keeping with how the scriptures are to be read - you are to consider the full text.

Here are two words to add to your vocabulary:

Prooftexting:  the practice of using isolated, out of context quotations from a document to establish a proposition in eisegesis.

Eisegesis:  the process of interpreting text or portion of text in such a way that the process introduces one's own presuppositions, agendas or biases into and onto that text.

This is the very thing my father warned me against.  Scripture could be used to defend nearly anything. For example, let's say some wife has had it up to here with her husband and decided to kill her husband by driving a blunt instrument into his skull.  Well, had she coincidentally read Judges 4:21 (But Jael, Heber’s wife, picked up a tent peg and a hammer and went quietly to him while he lay fast asleep, exhausted. She drove the peg through his temple into the ground, and he died.) she could very easily say God made me do it.  But we know that per the 10 commandments we are not to murder.  Now, this example may be rather absurd - but is no more dangerous than leaders removing scripture from its context and weaponizing it for their own agenda.

The Holy Bible is the inspired word of God.  Through my life I have seen characters treat the word of God as if it were their own word - pasting together one verse after the other to defend their point of view.  This just rubs me the wrong way, as I was used to the expository preaching of my Father.  Expository preaching is teaching the scripture in a comprehensive manner - taking context very seriously. 

As leaders spout off scripture verse after scripture verse we must take Matthew 7:15 very seriously, "Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves."  As the chapter moves on (Matthew 7:23) we are reminded what fate befalls those "prophets." "Then I will tell them plainly 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!"  And for those of you that are hunkered in and are digging up verifiable outward actions as proof do me a favor check out Matthew 7:22.

We need to be so very careful when we see scripture being used as a defense. Historically speaking we know that scripture has been used to defend some of  this worlds greatest travesties.  The obvious examples are slavery and the holocaust.  But a memory from my childhood that is burned into my mind is Jonestown - 909 people died a third of which were children.  All because these folks followed a man that quoted scripture and promised utopia, a return to a better life.

Lastly, we need to understand that in the scripture leaders are held to a higher standard. "It is an abomination for kings to commit wicked acts, For a throne is established on righteousness" Proverbs 16:12. And this idea of accountability comes full circle in James "Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly."  (3:1) And our hope would be that the teachers and leaders that come our way would take their roles seriously and seek the truth.  And this isn't "relative truth."

Too often, we don't consider the information that comes our way.  If it fits our perspective it must be true. But it isn't.  For example, the children in cages image that was widely reported did not happen under this President. However, the reports of children being taken from their parents for a "bath" and not being returned is very true.  So even though I am immigrant sympathetic - I want to ensure I've got the story right.  There is no merit to an argument that isn't grounded in truth.  Take the assertion from the President that many parents of  US soldiers from the Korean conflict asked him during the campaign to bring their child's remains back from Korea is just wrong. Do the math.  My dearly departed grandmother had two sons in that conflict. She passed away in 1996 and was 93 years old.  We simply need to pause and as my Father asked of me, measure everything.  And I would add to that - when you are wrong - own it.

A Different First Mother's Day

The following blog post is about my own personal journey.  Each of us travel the road of parental loss in very different ways.  And none of them are to be measured or judged.  No one way is right or better.  It is a journey and anyone in my city can tell you  - you can take the same journey 6 days in a row and its length and obstacles differ each day.  

As the first Mother's Day approaches since my mothers passing, I am oddly not filled with loss as many would expect.  I know this isn't normal.  And as my husband would confirm I've not been normal for a very long time.  But, I don't feel far from her.  And my heart is so full for having had her.  In essence my heart is just as overwhelmed on this Mother's Day eve as it was last year.  

In my home I am surrounded by things that bring her to me.  The piano that I now use as a tool to prepare my daughter for her first NYSSMA solo competition.  Many Sunday afternoons were spent at that pianos side learning from her.  The pictures of my family that hangs from the wall above that piano.  Each and everyday I look into the faces of her brothers and sisters.  The large very old old Tupperware measuring cup I use so often, I wonder how I ever did without it.  Every Summer we would use that measuring cup to make her freezer jam.  I wrap my hands around her knives as I slice into my morning bagel.  One of them has a plastic melted plastic handle that I presume got that way on my account.  

After my mothers passing select items of hers became mine. She would love the placement of one of her paintings in my bedroom.  And every time I open my drawer of kitchen utensils that barely closes - ok sometimes it doesn't - I can hear her saying to me "Honey, I know you want to keep it all - but I wouldn't be offended if you got rid of my things - you make things so hard for yourself."  

Oh  and the voice of my mother.  It is forever in my head. It's like she's my conscience - the reason I pause before I speak or speak too loudly - ok yell too loudly.  I hear her reminding me that children don't see the world as we do - to measure their actions and words accordingly.  She always encouraged my parenting.  By encouraged I mean challenged.  She would provoke me by asking questions that would many times bring things into focus for me.  I assume her voice will be with me forever, as she often shared her mothers voice with me.  

Then there are her grandchildren.  Her granddaughter Katheryn, that wears grandmas necklace to school every day - except gym days.  Or Anastasia who likes to remind me that I sound like my mother.  They are amazing in that they love reminiscing about grandma.  And when they do they smile and they don't even seem to approach sadness.  They loved her dearly and realize how lucky they were to have had her.  

Yes, there are times when I wish I could pick up the phone and call her.  We always tussled over politics.  So the news that Paul Ryan was not going to seek re-election or that yes I was right that Tillerson is now gone, or did you see that Comey interview.... We would have discussed all of this in length.  But in a deeper reflection, I think she enjoyed the back and forth merely bc it gave her time on the phone with me. It really was of no deep consequence to her otherwise.   

And yes, I would have loved for her to have known that I sang at Carnegie Hall recently. Or better yet, that I am four weeks into my  Diet Coke elimination experiment.  She hounded me over that for years.  But, I reflect on these things and am just so satisfied to have had a mother that would push me forward towards a better me.  

When she died I knew the best way I could honor was to continue living. I could hear her saying to me, "I died, you didn't."  And when I reflect on how hard she worked to move to NYC, 21 days before she died  - she was not going to let one minute pass where she wasn't persisting onward.  She was so weak - yet so determined. And living honors her.  

So tomorrow as the sun rises on Mother's Day - I will do what I do every Sunday.  I'll get my family ready and out the door and head to church. Then we'll go out for a nice lunch.  Maybe settle in to watch an old movie.  Then I will start to get my tribe ready for the start of a new week.  And that, will honor her. 

A Lament

The heat that floods my body from my head to my toes.

The heart pounding so hard that individual beats collapse upon one another.

The emotions that tangle up the pain, the anger, the sadness, and the fear.

The mind attempts to untangle the mess, but mystification overtakes all sense of reason.

Wisdom, seems outside the scope.

The burning flame of racial hatred.

The chilling chants of deluded racial superiority.

The manic'd masses so fearful of the browning of America, and yet cowardly won't accept the role their ancestors played when they tore families from their homes and treated them like cattle.  

The utter lack of repentance as God has lifted His children out of shackles.
Bringing to light the brilliant, innovative, hard working souls
that for generations laid in ruin crushed under the feet of oppression.  

You still act as if you don't hear the voice of the Creator screaming

I am the God who shows no partiality, I accept no bribes.

I am the God the maker of them all.

I am the God who does not show favoritism.

I am the God who commands that the foreign born
be treated as the native born.

True Normal New York City Conversations

Yesterday Chris Christie, the Governor of New Jersey asserted that the conversation Donald Trump had with James Comey was just a normal New York City conversation.  It is fair to say that most saw that conversation as assertive at best, bullying and nearly mafioso at worst.  After living here since 1994, I can now call New York City home.  And during that time I have had some memorable conversations that sounded nothing like the one characterized as "normal" by Chris Christie.  In fact the only time I ever had a conversation like that was with a misogynistic bully of a man that I refused to work for and at great risk walked away.  For I too was asked to to do something that would risk my integrity and would risk the career of an esteemed colleague.   

So, I take exception to a Governor from another state trying defend and define how New Yorkers talk to each other.  Yes, we are opinionated and aggressive.  But there is a reason why nearly every tourist purchases some souvenir with a big read heart that proclaims I Love New York.  New Yorkers have heart. To help you further understand what I'm trying to say I wanted to share with you some truly normal conversations that happen with great frequency in my daily life.  

Yesterday

On the R train with my girls after a long day of fun the train approached Roosevelt Ave and on came one of my local CVS pharmacists, a 60 or so year old woman.  She sat next to me and for the rest of the ride we spoke about her day at the Bronx Zoo. That conversations included sharing photos, talking about her work schedule and the fact hat she hit her 10,000 steps for the day.  

Last Friday Morning

Working on some writing at Starbucks that morning, two older Jewish women told me that they thought my laptop looked really nice. She proceeded to share with me how her laptop was so heavy she never moves it. Except this one time, when she went to her sisters because she was sick. Then it wouldn't work, so she used her sisters.  The other woman then helped her realize, by telling her 3 times in 3 different ways,  that she just wasn't connected to the Wi-fi.  (FYI - My laptop is a low end Lenovo) 

Starbucks, 2016

One of my baristas shared with me how he never worked on Sundays because no matter what he does on Saturday night his abuela (grandmother) wants him in church and he goes.  Then he shared how much his life will change when she and his parents move to Florida the next year.  He is both excited and anxious.

Uber Driver, 2015

Heading to my local mall on a random errand run with my girls, my driver shared with me about how grateful he was to be here.  When I inquired as to why, he explained it was because he could practice and observe his Christianity with much more freedom than back in his home country.

NYSC, 2014

One day as I came into the gym the receptionist shared with me her worries about her son - his struggles with school, their upcoming move to Michigan etc.  The only thing that gave her peace was that her church the Jehovah Witness Hall was helping her get set up.   

Waiting Room at Memorial Sloan Kettering, Early 2011

In 2010 and 2011 I would accompany my dear friend to chemo and on one occasion I got there early.  As I waited I met Despina.  She was a women in late 70's waiting for her chemo appointment all by herself. She had children but she was always there alone.  At the end of our conversation, she handed me a change wallet with a dollar in it.  It was a thank you for merely visiting with her for 15 minutes. I still have the wallet and the dollar. I'll never spend it.

 

Dissent - A Tenet of Democracy

Dissent according to Google means "to hold or express opinions that are at variance with those previously, commonly, or officially expressed." Dissension in its truest form is a tenet of democracy. It is one of the sweetest fruits of freedom.  Starting on on December 19, 1773, when the most important act of dissension took place in the Boston Harbor.  The Sons of Liberty, revolting against the previously accepted practice of paying taxes to England, threw chests of tea overboard into the Boston Harbor.   Dissension was the only way.  They didn't necessarily know what was coming next.  But what they did know, without a doubt, was that taxation without representation was just wrong.  This was a pivotal moment of dissension for our country, and there were many more to follow.

Now, 244 years later that country can't seem to disagree without having a nervous breakdown.  Any act of dissension is deemed unpatriotic. There is an expectation to get in line.  There are those who are quick to remind you of the soldiers who died for what - for you to spit on the country.  These days online it is like the age of McCarthyism.  Friends argue incessantly, un-friend each other,  and hide each others posts if opinions don't align with their own.  To be clear arguing is not the same as ideological sparring. Sparring does not evoke name calling. All of this madness is simply confounding. Edward R. Murrow made it clear when he said, "We must not confuse dissent with disloyalty. When the loyal opposition dies, I think the soul of America dies with it."

The nation we call home, right now was built on the backs of dissenters.  We have not descended from a line that merely gets in line. Dwight D. Eisenhower reminded us that, "Here in America we are descended in blood and in spirit from revolutionists and rebels - men and women who dare to dissent from accepted doctrine. As their heirs, may we never confuse honest dissent with disloyal subversion." There were two pivotal workers strikes in Pennsylvania - one in 1889 the other in 1909.  Both strikes were to protect workers wages and in one instance to protect the Amalgamated Association of Iron and Steel Workers union.  In both cases there was violence. Yet, both cases resulted in the preservation of workers rights and the continued existence of the steelworkers union. These workers had to dissent. In one instance the railway car builders were being paid via a pool system that changed daily at the whim of the foreman.  They had to eat, they had families and wages that weren't set were prohibitive.  What these workers did was in perfect alignment with the dissension that founded this nation.

Yet today, whenever an act of dissension turns even remotely uncivil there is a high brow clearing of the throat elitism that reveals our collective ignorance of what real dissension and nation building looks like.  We are still a nation under construction.  Yet we act like any act of disturbance is beneath us as a nation.  Instead of understanding that discord brings about a new day. We find proof of that in music - harmonic resolution can only occur with discord.  We find additional proof in science  - with the smooth finish of a stone that only happens when friction takes place.  Yet, we treat the state of the nation as if it were as fragile as a fresh egg.

This is a nation that has endured one movement after the other.  Each movement found its footing in the act of dissension. Dissension can be a petition, a letter to a leader, a blog, a strike, a walk, a boycott, and according to google dissension can be merely "holding" an opinion. If your daughter participates on a schools sports team she can thank Bernice Sandler and the 269 letters of complaint she filed that eventually led to Title ix.  The simple act of boycotting grapes grew to a boycott that included 14 million Americans in 1969, causing the Delano growers to sign with UFW - which brought much relief to the farmers and workers that were paid poorly and treated unfairly. Each act has led to a necessary change.  In the words of Antonin Scalia  "A good, hard-hitting dissent keeps you honest."

As we move through this time of true national division - we have to stop pretending that dissension is unpatriotic. Just the opposite. In order for our union to remain strong we must dissent when the situation calls for it.  We need to be able to sit around a table with eight seats and eight different opinions.    If you can't do that, if you can't support the ideal of dissension, then I fear that it isn't democracy you love. Simply put, democracy is a system of government by the whole population or all the eligible members..... Democracy represents the whole, not the faction, not the squeaky wheel, not the richest, not the poorest, not the most religious, not those who have been here longer, not the newest of us, but all of the above.  And from time to time, dissension must occur, ensuring and proving the durability of a free and strong nation full of the truest of patriots.