Wednesday, November 21, 2018

Thanksgiving, Aging, and Acceptance

Thanksgiving looks different for each person, depending on your age bracket.  In college, Thanksgiving was a chance to get some great food, see old friends and catch up on some rest before heading back to school for finals. Then eventually it turns into bringing home the future spouse. That then turns into bringing home grandchildren. Until one day, you hit your mid 40's and coming home starts to look very different.  

Tonight maybe you find yourself laying in bed at your parent(s) home and you realize that this is the last time you will be celebrating Thanksgiving in that house. Or maybe you find yourself sleeping in an area hotel, trying to psych yourself up for the hotel buffet because mom and dad just can't put Thanksgiving together anymore.  And sadly, maybe you find yourself in a hospital waiting room, not even giving the holiday a second thought. And the only turkey you will be eating will be in the sandwich from the vending machine down the hall.  

All of these scenarios are demanding emotionally.  We're already reflecting on our own life's successes or failures. And now there is the new challenge of facing your parents mortality.  Then, if you have children, ensuring all of their needs are met.  And that can be complex. You want your kids to have great memories (social media can raise the bar and push you towards idyllic memories).  Yet, you need to also prepare them for what is coming.  Now none of this calculates in  the demands of your career, home, and any other extra curriculars.  

This all hits at a time when being "present" is very en vogue. Yet between the myriad of questions, emotions, concerns, and responsibilities it is so hard to be fully present.  So now what we have done is plopped a pile of "I can't be present" shame on top of it all.  We run through our mind each items that is being overlooked in our life.  As each finds it place on our list the shame grows deeper and deeper. 

My advice, forgive yourself and get over it.  And I am speaking from experience. This time last year I was preparing to cook my mother her final Thanksgiving meal.  I slept in her bed with her. And my mind was swimming because we had just learned that she had months to live and we were 3 weeks out from moving her to NYC to live out her final months with us.  The list of "to do's" was huge.  And the weight of it all was immense.  The only way to survive was to understand some things were just not going to get my full attention.  

Walking through this season will look different for others. Maybe you 'll need to a break from dieting.  On the other hand, maybe some gym time to work out your frustration could be in order.  Consider not attending every volunteer school event.  On the other hand, maybe joining a support group might be constructive.  You need to listen to yourself and adjust accordingly.

Understand, there will be mistakes made.  Something might get missed and neglected  Your career might have to stall for a bit. The kids might not be as academic proficient without your one on one help.  And maybe you find yourself on a first name basis with the delivery people from your four favorite restaurants in the neighborhood.  Who knows maybe you'll even forget to pay your cable and internet bill.  

Tonight, I can tell you with great assurance that you will survive it all.  You see my mother passed away on January 2.  This will be our first Thanksgiving without her.  And while I can confirm some things fell apart, I and my family are still standing.  Sure, I gained some (yes, some) weight.  And yes, my Honors level daughter was demoted to general education classes. But also yes, she will be restored back to the Honors program on Monday.  Slowly parts of our life are being put back together.  

So, tomorrow enjoy every last word your parents speak.  Have them tell their favorite stories again.  Freely, step out of the room when the emotion becomes too much to bear.  Don't push those emotions down.  And embrace the fact that maybe this isn't the picture perfect, must post on social media Thanksgiving that others might be having.  Take a deep breathe and know that at one point or another your parent was standing right where you are today.  And enjoy this Thanksgiving Day.  


Monday, July 2, 2018

CONSIDERATION

If you watch any amount of television these days you will see advertisements for a variety of Netflix series that end with the line "For Your Emmy Consideration."  The words "consider" and "consideration" aren't heard much anymore.  One might argue that it is old or a word of their parents generation.  I must agree while growing up those words were used quite a bit  We were instructed to consider or to be considerate.  But, I don't believe those words have gone the way of "thee" "thou" and "shall."  I believe we don't hear those words because the act of consideration has gone out of practice.


This really struck me a few nights ago as I was re-watching "Mona Lisa Smile."  There is a wonderful scene where Professor Watson (Julia Roberts character) takes her class to an old warehouse for a private audience with a Jackson Pollock painting. Now to those unfamiliar with Jackson Pollock, some refer to his paintings as splotches and mock them insisting their 5 year old could have done the same.  And as you would suspect, Professor Watson's students reacted in much the same way.  Her instruction to them was simple "consider it."  She made it clear they did not have to like it or even write a paper on it - just consider it.  It was in that moment that I realized that we as a society are so quick to conclude that very little consideration is ever given.



Having had the opportunity to view a Pollock myself, I will say it is overwhelming. The size is consuming and the chaotic nature of the paint strokes draws you in. Will you discover some deep personal or spiritual truth - maybe, maybe not.  But, taking the time to consider it is a worthwhile task.  In consideration your mind winds through question after question - why, how, how long did it take, will he do this again?  Walking through all of that your mind gains new knowledge and you are wiser.



The act of consideration though has a more powerful daily application.  We as a people are so very divided and we label people more than ever before  As we scroll our way through Facebook, I am certain there are those you now simply scroll past without even reading.  Those are the people you thought you knew - but now you believe you really know  - and what you know you don't like.  You no longer consider anything they share or post.  Maybe you have even hidden them from your newsfeed.  But, to unfriend them would be so inconsiderate.  Really?  Because you stopped considering them the minute you hid them from your feed.


The sad thing is, our failure to consider removes all ability to learn.  There is a dangerous tendency these days to only consider things that align with what we believe is true and skip over everything else.  This behavior is what lead to the deception of the electorate during the 2016 election.  Sure, we can blame those at the Internet Research Agency for social media disruption.  But, really at the end of the day the blame lies at the fingertips of every single person who liked, shared, forwarded or tweeted something that was inaccurate.  There was a complete failure to consider the source or to consider if it was truthful.  When we engage in promoting things that are false, like it or not we are accountable for it


Growing up my parents encouraged me to put myself in the other persons shoes.  It was one of the most important lessons I ever learned.  It came in handy when I was getting to know my Mother In-law.  One would assume given all that was in her basement that she was a pack rat or even maybe a hoarder.  What I learned was that my mother in law grew up in a country that experienced a large amount of instability - as they were invaded and fought over repeatedly.  She grew up poor in a small village in Cyprus. Holding onto things was not an act of laziness or poor housekeeping.  It was an act of being prepared and being able to take care of your family no matter what.



The absolute lack of compassion you hear from pundits over the current Zero Tolerance Policy - lacks any consideration whatsoever.  These pundits peddle their point of view regardless of new information and new circumstances.  When you can mock crying children and liken the tent city in Tornillo, Texas to sleep away camp - you have lost all credibility.  We must try to understand what these children are feeling.  We must try to understand why a mother would walk hundreds of miles in the heat.  We must begin to question the talking points when so many tried to gain asylum through legitimate ports of entry and were turned away. In order to solve these big problems we need some deep consideration. 



As we live our daily lives consideration of the world around us is a good discipline.  It could be morning and you are in line to get your morning coffee - you are on time - but clearly the person behind you is running late.  Consider letting them go ahead.  You get an e-mail that angers you - take a moment to consider why before responding in a way you might regret.  We must take time to consider to contemplate or we as a society will be forever unsettled.  In the wise words of former President Dwight D. Eisenhower "Though force can protect in emergency, only justice, fairness, consideration and cooperation can finally lead men to the dawn of eternal peace."











Sunday, June 17, 2018

Measuring Truth: A Lesson From My Father


In July of 1989 I had my bags packed and was bound for college. I had been accepted to Nyack College, a Christian liberal arts college just outside of New York City.  You would assume a parent would have no reservations or concerns as they sent their child off to a religious school.  But you would be wrong.  My dad (an alum of the college), sent me off with one piece of advice.  He asked me to measure everything I am taught by what I know to be true.  He would repeat that same advice a few months later as I began to search for a church.  My father simply said, just because a preacher says it, doesn't make it true.


Understand, my father (a smart man) was not a deep intellectual nor someone who could be classified as counter-cultural.  My father was genuine and everything about him rang true.  He was sincerely interested in all the people he met.  There was a finesse to how he communicated truth.  Those who knew him, trusted him.  And so it came as no surprise that he would implore me to seek truth and to weigh the lessons of those that would teach me.
This past week I have thought of him often.  Not because it was the run up to Father's Day - but because more scripture was thrown about on cable TV than ever before.  When Jeff Sessions so frivolously invoked Romans 13:1  - with a smile mind you - I could see my dad sitting in his recliner arms crossed in front of him and shuttering.  And even though he would have never been a Stephen Colbert fan, he would have found his approach in considering Roman 13:10 more in keeping with how the scriptures are to be read - you are to consider the full text.


Here are two words to add to your vocabulary:

Prooftexting:  the practice of using isolated, out of context quotations from a document to establish a proposition in eisegesis.

Eisegesis:  the process of interpreting text or portion of text in such a way that the process introduces one's own presuppositions, agendas or biases into and onto that text.

This is the very thing my father warned me against.  Scripture could be used to defend nearly anything. For example, let's say some wife has had it up to here with her husband and decided to kill her husband by driving a blunt instrument into his skull.  Well, had she coincidentally read Judges 4:21 (But Jael, Heber’s wife, picked up a tent peg and a hammer and went quietly to him while he lay fast asleep, exhausted. She drove the peg through his temple into the ground, and he died.) she could very easily say God made me do it.  But we know that per the 10 commandments we are not to murder.  Now, this example may be rather absurd - but is no more dangerous than leaders removing scripture from its context and weaponizing it for their own agenda.
The Holy Bible is the inspired word of God.  Through my life I have seen characters treat the word of God as if it were their own word - pasting together one verse after the other to defend their point of view.  This just rubs me the wrong way, as I was used to the expository preaching of my Father.  Expository preaching is teaching the scripture in a comprehensive manner - taking context very seriously. 

As leaders spout off scripture verse after scripture verse we must take Matthew 7:15 very seriously, "Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves."  As the chapter moves on (Matthew 7:23) we are reminded what fate befalls those "prophets." "Then I will tell them plainly 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!"  And for those of you that are hunkered in and are digging up verifiable outward actions as proof do me a favor check out Matthew 7:22.

We need to be so very careful when we see scripture being used as a defense. Historically speaking we know that scripture has been used to defend some of  this worlds greatest travesties.  The obvious examples are slavery and the holocaust.  But a memory from my childhood that is burned into my mind is Jonestown - 909 people died a third of which were children.  All because these folks followed a man that quoted scripture and promised utopia, a return to a better life.



Lastly, we need to understand that in the scripture leaders are held to a higher standard. "It is an abomination for kings to commit wicked acts, For a throne is established on righteousness" Proverbs 16:12. And this idea of accountability comes full circle in James "Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly."  (3:1) And our hope would be that the teachers and leaders that come our way would take their roles seriously and seek the truth.  And this isn't "relative truth."

Too often, we don't consider the information that comes our way.  If it fits our perspective it must be true. But it isn't.  For example, the children in cages image that was widely reported did not happen under this President. However, the reports of children being taken from their parents for a "bath" and not being returned is very true.  So even though I am immigrant sympathetic - I want to ensure I've got the story right.  There is no merit to an argument that isn't grounded in truth.  Take the assertion from the President that many parents of  US soldiers from the Korean conflict asked him during the campaign to bring their child's remains back from Korea is just wrong. Do the math.  My dearly departed grandmother had two sons in that conflict. She passed away in 1996 and was 93 years old.  We simply need to pause and as my Father asked of me, measure everything.  And I would add to that - when you are wrong - own it.



Saturday, May 12, 2018

A Different First Mother's Day

The following blog post is about my own personal journey.  Each of us travel the road of parental loss in very different ways.  And none of them are to be measured or judged.  No one way is right or better.  It is a journey and anyone in my city can tell you  - you can take the same journey 6 days in a row and its length and obstacles differ each day.  


As the first Mother's Day approaches since my mothers passing, I am oddly not filled with loss as many would expect.  I know this isn't normal.  And as my husband would confirm I've not been normal for a very long time.  But, I don't feel far from her.  And my heart is so full for having had her.  In essence my heart is just as overwhelmed on this Mother's Day eve as it was last year.  
In my home I am surrounded by things that bring her to me.  The piano that I now use as a tool to prepare my daughter for her first NYSSMA solo competition.  Many Sunday afternoons were spent at that pianos side learning from her.  The pictures of my family that hangs from the wall above that piano.  Each and everyday I look into the faces of her brothers and sisters.  The large very old old Tupperware measuring cup I use so often, I wonder how I ever did without it.  Every Summer we would use that measuring cup to make her freezer jam.  I wrap my hands around her knives as I slice into my morning bagel.  One of them has a plastic melted plastic handle that I presume got that way on my account.  

After my mothers passing select items of hers became mine. She would love the placement of one of her paintings in my bedroom.  And every time I open my drawer of kitchen utensils that barely closes - ok sometimes it doesn't - I can hear her saying to me "Honey, I know you want to keep it all - but I wouldn't be offended if you got rid of my things - you make things so hard for yourself."  

Oh  and the voice of my mother.  It is forever in my head. It's like she's my conscience - the reason I pause before I speak or speak too loudly - ok yell too loudly.  I hear her reminding me that children don't see the world as we do - to measure their actions and words accordingly.  She always encouraged my parenting.  By encouraged I mean challenged.  She would provoke me by asking questions that would many times bring things into focus for me.  I assume her voice will be with me forever, as she often shared her mothers voice with me.  

Then there are her grandchildren.  Her granddaughter Katheryn, that wears grandmas necklace to school every day - except gym days.  Or Anastasia who likes to remind me that I sound like my mother.  They are amazing in that they love reminiscing about grandma.  And when they do they smile and they don't even seem to approach sadness.  They loved her dearly and realize how lucky they were to have had her.  

Yes, there are times when I wish I could pick up the phone and call her.  We always tussled over politics.  So the news that Paul Ryan was not going to seek re-election or that yes I was right that Tillerson is now gone, or did you see that Comey interview.... We would have discussed all of this in length.  But in a deeper reflection, I think she enjoyed the back and forth merely bc it gave her time on the phone with me. It really was of no deep consequence to her otherwise.   

And yes, I would have loved for her to have known that I sang at Carnegie Hall recently. Or better yet, that I am four weeks into my  Diet Coke elimination experiment.  She hounded me over that for years.  But, I reflect on these things and am just so satisfied to have had a mother that would push me forward towards a better me.  

When she died I knew the best way I could honor was to continue living. I could hear her saying to me, "I died, you didn't."  And when I reflect on how hard she worked to move to NYC, 21 days before she died  - she was not going to let one minute pass where she wasn't persisting onward.  She was so weak - yet so determined. And living honors her.  

So tomorrow as the sun rises on Mother's Day - I will do what I do every Sunday.  I'll get my family ready and out the door and head to church. Then we'll go out for a nice lunch.  Maybe settle in to watch an old movie.  Then I will start to get my tribe ready for the start of a new week.  And that, will honor her.