“You give and take away, You give and take away. My heart will choose to say,
Lord Blessed be Your name”
Planning to have a family, like a lot of women, was
something I would get to eventually. In
all honesty I can’t say that I was building a career. But, I loved the places I worked. And working ten hour days was actually fun
for me. Fertility was something I
assumed would always be there for me.
Let’s face it my Grandmother Beers had given birth to 9 babies and my
Grandmother Rydbom had given birth to 15 babies. And out of 90+ first and second cousins only a
very small fraction of my cousins had struggled with fertility. The numbers were on my side. WRONG!
In 2005 I began a hot pursuit to become a Mother. We had our initial visit with a fabulous
Fertility Doctor and a plan was put together.
Between her plan and my family’s fertile history I thought that I would
have a baby by Christmas. All we wanted was that image from painted by Lonestar "And the view I love the most is my front porch looking in." So, the work
began. Blood work, pills, vitamins
etc. When the day came for our first IUI
I was so excited. This would be it! This
is where it would all begin. I had done
everything right. My husband and I even
said a prayer before the procedure. It
just had to work.
Well, it didn’t. So, back to work I went. Some blood work,
more pills, vitamins etc. In my head I
was thinking, who gets it right the first time anyway. It will work.
So, the day came for our 2nd IUI and I was anxious. It just had to work this time. Again, my husband and I said a prayer and I
have to admit I poured it on a bit heavier this time just to be sure. A few days later I was back to square one and
a bit baffled. My entire life was built
around a formula that had never failed me.
Follow the rules and procedures and the desired result will appear. This was not the case and the more I dwelled
on it, the more fired up I got.
However, I was not about to give up. For the next several months this cycle
repeated itself over and over again.
Dosages of medicine increased and changed, various tests were conducted,
procedures altered, weight was lost, prayers continued, tons of blood-work done and
I even chose to take a sabbatical from the worship team at our church. I was willing to do whatever it took. But, it became harder and harder to be brave.
On occasion we would have to go into the Doctors office on a
Sunday morning. After the appointment we
would head to church. One particular
Sunday, the worship team was introducing Matt Redman’s “Blessed Be Your Name”
And in the midst of the song – my emotions caught up with me. I had been pushing so hard, staying so
focused that I paid my emotions very little attention. After each “you’re not pregnant call” I would
have my moment of wallowing in self-pity by commiserating with my mother over
the phone long distance (God bless her tolerance and love). But, at this moment – this song captured all
that I had and all that I was dealing with.
And there was no hiding from it.
The contrast in the verses “Blessed be Your name, in the
land that is plentiful” versus “Blessed be Your name when I’m found in the
desert place” was right where my husband and I were as a couple. Ike and I had never really struggled much as
a couple – we both were gainfully employed and financially secure and had
family that loved us beyond words could ever imagine. We had everything. And now, we suddenly felt in the desert not
being able to take our family to the next level by adding a precious baby to
it. As the song progresses “Blessed be
your name, when the suns shining down on me” and then moves into “Blessed be
your name on the road marked with suffering” was so reflective of my personal
struggle and the collapse of my magic formula – follow directions it will all
work out. In college that formula worked like a charm and when I was a college student
I felt as if the sun always shined down on me. And now all I kept feeling was
loss.
The longer this process continued the harder it was to
believe it would actually work. At one
point my doctor insisted I take a month off.
That was inconceivable to me. The
very idea, the audacious notion set in like a dark storm cloud. My doctor was telling me to quit – well not
exactly – but that is how I heard it.
Then the song comes back “When the darkness closes in, Lord still I will
say - Blessed be the name of the Lord..” It said nothing about - When the darkness
closes in - I fight or I strive or I
push – it was beckoning me to just Bless the Lord. Problem is, that I am great at working a
problem to death – I suck at resting in God.
And second, in my very dwarfed perspective – had nothing to praise him
for. Hallelujah – my hormones are all over the place – Praise God – the
phlebotomist gave me a bruise on my arm the size of California – I didn't feel
any closer to becoming a mother and now I was to just take a break?
Thankfully my husband has a way of getting me to do the
right thing in spite of myself. So, we
took a month off. We even took a mini-vacation to the Delaware shore – a place
that has always been restful to me. Now,
I know each of you are thinking – and then she started up again the next month
to find success and the motherhood she had always wanted. Nope not so folks –
this is not a Hollywood movie. It was my
twisted misery.
As the summer progressed the same cycle repeated. And I
wasn't sure if it was me or not – but it seemed like we were singing that
“Blessed” song a lot at church. And is it me or are there more pregnant women
around in the Summer? It sure seemed
that way. As Fall settled in, I was
becoming more accustomed to the fact that despite my intentions I would not
have a baby by Christmas and I may very well not even be pregnant. As we neared the holidays my doctor again
recommended a break and this time I was much more open to it. I finally allowed myself to rest and enjoy
the holidays. Don’t think that I didn't
break down crying on Christmas day. But, it wasn't that deep distressing I had
felt earlier on. It was just out of a
deep longing to have another Dimitriadis around our tree.
We started back up at the start of the year and this time I
decided to take a more relaxed approach. I remained diligent, but became more
mindful how blessed we really were. We
were both very happy at our companies – and I more so having just taken on a
new role at a firm with a fabulous group of people – many of whom I had worked
with in the past. I had come to the
point that if I got pregnant great – if not fine. Let’s be real – did you think
I would say “Great” about not getting pregnant.
We even began exploring the option of adoption - the costs,
the process etc. God, reminded me of two
women in my past- both of whom had struggled with fertility and then chose to
adopt. The one had adopted her son – just mere months before her mother suddenly
passed away. What a reminder of God’s awesome timing. The other had adopted a son that as he grew
up resembled the family in every way – he was tall, curly hair, loved baseball,
and was sharp as tack – just like his mom and dad. And I respected these women and I knew that I
could build a family in that same way.
It was a few days before another procedure and the wheels
were in motion when my phone rang. My
mother’s sister Anna had passed away.
Her funeral would be on the same day as the procedure and I could not be
in two places at once. I loved my
extended family dearly and wanted to go home.
But, I made the tough decision to move forward with the procedure. Throughout the entire day I had no anxiety
about the procedure. I was excited and
optimistic. I had a peace that if it
didn't work – the sun would still rise and all would be ok. The procedure from all technical standpoints
went well. We were now in a wait and
see.
The very next day I was in tremendous abdominal pain. Since I had been laying down a lot I assume
that it had to be gas. But, it got worse
and worse. I was so afraid that
something had gone terribly wrong. I
finally called the Doctor and she requested I come in the very next day. The next morning I woke up and my abdomen had
grown over night and I was so uncomfortable. Full of anxiety, digging through
my drawers to find pants that would be comfortable I just wanted to be at the
Dr’s office already. As soon as I got
into the Doctors office, they drew blood. I was then rushed into an exam
room. As my Dr. entered the room – she looked
me right in the eye and said I am almost certain you are pregnant. Later that afternoon I got the call I had
been waiting for – I was pregnant and within a few days we knew we were having
twins. What a thrill!
Over the next three months we kept this a secret. But, I
have to say that singing “Blessed be your name” brought joy, and sweet tears.
It was and still remains to be a reminder of God’s faithfulness and my deep
need to continue to trust him. By
Christmas of 2006 we had two beautiful little baby girls in our home. “Every blessing you pour out, I’ll turn back
to praise.” We were so blessed!
